Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Nick. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect my credibility, yer nah. Why man, your reporter failed to mention salient facts that would affect my abilty to fight such as the well documented "Inky Big Toe", and also that at the time I was suffering from severe chafing of the thighs. There was also no mention of the knuckle dusters used by my opponent.......err, just remembered I used the Knuckle dusters, forget I mentioned that. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts, hinny.

Yours, Uncle Jimmy

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.


Dear Sir,
Why oh why do so many complaints letters begin with the phrase "Why oh why"? Don't people realise that using the same phrase over and over again just devalues it? Why oh why can't they think of an alternative?

Yours, A. Knuss

Why oh why does this upset you? - Ed.


Dear Sir,
I was shocked and stunned to hear of Baekys withdrawl from the pages of the Churnal, especially as I had already twice asked for an answer to a particularly intriguing question. Is it possible you may be able to give the answer I crave?

Yours, Essie Kye.

Well Essie I am not qualfied to answer your question I'm afraid. however, I do have good news as we have a replacement for Baeky lined up. Do you speak Spanish? - Ed.

Dear Churnal,

I've decided to write a song especially for your readers. So without further ado, ah one ah two ah one two three four ...

Plocton Plocton Plocton
dum diddy dum diddy dum diddy do
Plocton diddy dum diddy Plocton diddy poo

I wonder if Simon Cowell will be impressed. Can you ensure he reads this please?

Regards, Aimee.

P.S Hi Simon how's life ? remember me from Pop idol ? Aims X

Thank you for your submission Aimee, it sure is a catchy tune. I happen to know Simon reads the Churnal every day ... probably. - Ed.



Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Jimmy. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect his credibility. In no way was he fighting like a little girl, it defies credibility, he's almost 6 feet tall, much more like a big girl. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts.

Yours, Uncle Nick.

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.