Ade's 5 Point Plan to Becoming a New Man

This is for all the blokes so you chicks can bugger off right now!!! Are they gone yet? Good. Right lads here we go. We all know it's tough being a bloke these days with feminism infecting all aspects of life. I mean a guy can't even flick through his copy of 'Womens Realm' anymore without stumbling upon article after article about how to snare a New Man. To be perfectly honest I think these new men are a bit poncy and soft but lets face it, we need birds to do some stuff that we can't do ourselves, like... you know... erm... washing clothes and nagging and so forth. With this in mind I have devised a 5 point plan to help us blokes grab the woman of our dreams with minimal pain and confusion.

1) Women love buftys, so the first step to new man-dom is simply to mince around and be bitchy when talking about other women.

2) One thing you can never under estimate is how much a clean toilet turns on the fairer sex. Luckily keeping it clean does not have to mean loo brushes and bleach. Remember we have our own in built power washers, so if you see a skiddy mark on the side of the bog just aim your tadger at it and pish the stain away. Voila!

3) The ladies go ga-ga for a six-pack stomach and with practice this should easily be attainable, you may even enjoy yourself. I suggest starting with two to three cans of beer over the course of an evening until you build your tolerance up. Within months you'll be necking a six pack per night with ease and you stomach will blossom.

4) A New Man absolutely has to be able to cook. I know, I know... the only cooking a guy should have to do is microwaving yesterdays take-away for breakfast but it's not all bad. I was in the supermarket the other day and found some excellent gourmet cuisine. One is a cup of noodles that is as easy to cook as making yourself a cup of coffee and you don't even have to dirty a plate. There is also a foreign sounding company that makes 57 (yes 57!) different meals. They are slightly more complex to prepare as you have to get them out of the sealed tin that they come in, use a pan to cook them in and use a plate or bowl to eat them from but they truly are of restaurant quality and will have your bit of crumpet coming back for more, time and time again.

5) When it comes down to it the only thing a piece of skirt is interested in is willy size. Unless, like me, you already have a garter snake in your pants I suggest one of my patented 'Steam Powered Penistretch 2000' machines. Available now for only $99.99 exclusively from www.penistretch2000.nz Stocks are limited so order now to avoid disappointment.

Good luck lads, though if you follow my plan you won't need it.

Ade x