Advanced Physics with Morna

I'm delighted to have you all back and hungry for knowledge. As promised last week, this lesson will be taken by none other than our very own world renowned, in-house, doctor about the house... Dr Natty Inkspoon! Well, that's me off to shave my legs and pamper myself silly for the afternoon, so without further ado here's Nat. Mmmmmwah!

Ay oop lads n' lasses! We'll be finishing off your virtual degree coursework today as well as demonstrating real world applications for your new found skills. For those of you that don't know already, I am currently researching molecular rheology of branched polymer melts and computational fluid dynamics at the Tom Jones School of Mathematics.

My research may sound complicated but it's really just a fancy way of saying that I melt plastic into machines. The truth is, very little has changed since that fateful day when I set my Bobafett Star Wars figure on top of my ZX Spectrum's power supply. The stream of plastic which flowed from said power supply onto and into my beloved Speccy was devastating at the time. However, thanks to our old friend chaos theory two chains of events began which lead me to where I am today.

The first chain, after weeks of chaotic weeping and stomping around, culminated in me getting a vastly superior Atari ST to replace my knackered Spectrum. The second started as a way of keeping up with the latest developments in computer technology and culminated in this excellent career I have. Whenever I got bored with a computer or a newer model came out I'd simply place a Star Wars figure on the keyboard and set light to it. I grew to love everything about melting plastic into machines, the smell, the sound, the very sight itself. I began opening up the computers afterwards to study how the plastic had flowed around the components and find out exactly why it had caused the computer to fail. It really is fascinating stuff.

As I said earlier, I essentially do the same now, only on a much bigger scale. For example, I lived it laaaaarge in Holland for a couple of years employed by a major chemicals company. It culminated in me getting a lorry load of cheerleader's pom-poms (plastic of course) and melting them into the mechanism of an enormous power generating windmill. The results were spectacular and a complete success. We conclusively proved that it was indeed a bad idea to melt so much plastic into the mechanism of such a machine. Thanks to our research the windmill industry has saved itself millions of pounds by not initiating a program of branched polymer mechanism seizing melts.

Anyway, that's the pub opening now so you can leave early. Congratulations on the completion of your degree. To obtain your certificate send a £50 cheque to Ie Churnal made out to - Churnal Arts Science Honours or since that is a bit of a mouthful just put C.A.S.H.

Last one to the pub is a rotten egg....