Advanced Physics with Morna

Welcome to my absolutely fabulous and infinitely interesting wee corner of the Churnal. In time I will teach each and every one of you readers physics to an advanced level. Now darlings, before you all scroll up (or down) to the next story let me put your minds at rest. There will be no mind numbing text books or dusty grey old men waffling about pies in my column. I love to teach the king of all sciences using simple everyday examples so even the duhs can pick it up easily.

I'm sure that you are all aware of the fact that Concorde stretches by up to four metres during supersonic flight. Although this sounds excessive, due to the extraordinary length of the planes shaft (7.5 terra-inches) the change is proportionally insignificant and can easily be controlled with some heat resistant paint. Now here's the science girls, pay attention. The only way that you can spot that the stretch has taken place is to carefully check the edges of the carpet inside the plane itself. If there are bare floorboards all around the skirting boards then you are travelling at (or approaching) supersonic speeds. Using the following equation, (where L = The visible length of floorboards in metres) you can actually calculate exactly how fast you are travelling using nothing more than your trusty pocket tape measure.

(L + 1) x 0.5 = s (Speed in Mach)

Generally speaking, over 1 metre of bare floorboards indicates you are breaking the sound barrier. Which rather beautifully takes me to my next point.

Before the first supersonic aircraft was flown there was endless speculation from the gorgeous boffin fraternity. Such as, 'Will people at the back of the plane hear something that the pilot said before he even says it?', 'Will we catch up with conversations from the plane in front?' and 'Will the plane be bombarded with everything that was said on the Journey all at once after the plane has landed?'. Of course we now know that nothing out of the ordinary appears to happen when travelling even at twice the speed of sound. Here comes the science bit boys, pay attention. The boom that you hear when a plane breaks the sound barrier is actually the rupturing of the Sound-Time Continuum. When you speak when travelling at these speeds your words are sucked into the tear in time where they then gush down some sort of quantum string. Rather like when you put the tap on too fast when filling a rounded vase, soaking yourself in the process, the words woosh along the bottom and up the rear of the rupture before exiting the same point that they came in. As it is a tear in time the process appears to be instantaneous to the persons having the conversation so they remain oblivious to what is going on.

Finally I'd like to clear up a much debated topic. This is 100% true, try it if you don't believe me. As you are approximately 11 miles high when flying on Concorde and travelling faster that the earth rotates, it is possible to step out of a Concorde and gently float out of the Earths atmosphere. Honestly, don't listen to anyone that tries to tell you otherwise.

After this first lesson you should all now be up to the same level of physics knowledge as second year University students. Next lesson we shall try and get you up to and prepared for the start of your all important 3rd year. Check back soon as I'm missing you all already. Mmmmwah.