Gold Medal for Ulpster

In the most important global-interworld taikwondo competition of the last century, our very own Naomi Spuzzit has come out on top with the gold medal.

On her way to victory she defeated her first opponent, 'Sub Zero' in only 23 seconds by somersaulting over his icy projectiles and kicking him to the head. In an amazingly arrogant display of audacity, Naomi chatted to her friend on a mobile phone throughout the entire match. Naomi followed this first success with similarly quick victories over Rayden and Scorpian before defeating Goro a huge 8 armed monster in the final.

farted during one high kick

Naomi first rose to prominence in Ulpster as an aggressive, young layabout who would somersault out from behind the bus shelter at ie old postoffice and kick the living shit out of whoever was passing by - usually Chessie or Chamig. Many of us still remember these times with dread as we recall the times we ourselves were beaten up and mugged. Thankfully, finally she was discovered by Grand Master Ling who was able to channel her aggression more constructively through this special form of Taikwondo.

it smelled of eggs

"I saw in her great potential to harm others", explains Master Ling, "Observe on this slow motion video how she aims a kick directly at the head of this young 14 year old white belt. Here she almost knocks her head clean off! If I pause the video here you can see the blood beginning to erupt outwards which becomes a fountain as I hit the frame advance a few times, and now you see this poor little victim er girl beginning to fall backwards and hit the floor, here. If I now press rewind, we can see it all again except this time in reverse. I find it incredible how technology enables us to see such things", he continued, "See how now it all happens again when I hit the play button like this ..."

furiously attacked a plank of wood

Master Ling generously gave us even more of his time for a further demonstration of the talents of his top student, Naomi. Holding up a thick plank of wood he blew on a whistle. "Kill" instructed Master Ling in a loud and commanding tone. From nowhere, Naomi came rushing in like a tornado and furiously attacked the plank of wood with a junior hacksaw. Snarling, she began to saw the wood clean in two, shrieking furiously whenever the saw jammed in the wood. Finally about 10 minutes later, she stood triumphantly in a small pile of sawdust holding up the two newly halved pieces of wood above her head.

So where does Naomi want to go next? We asked her this question after her famous victory over Goro. "Bring on that ponce Natty", she roared, "Lets see how his poncy art of Ikea'do copes with my devastating power". We at ie churnal await Natty's response to this challenge eagerly.